Velvet Buzzsaw (2019)

Continuing my tradition of watching semi-shitty movies whilst recovering from a stress-induced illness, and what can I say other than JEEZ! 21st century films sure are ugly. If this were made in the 70s by some perverted Italian man, I really think it would've worked. Art galleries are a fabulous place for murder. Every stark white wall is just begging to be splattered with a gush of blood. There were a lot of elements here that I liked but nothing quite wowed me. I used to be o b s e s s e d with Jake Gyllenhaal, and seeing him play this obnoxious bisexual snob would've really sent me to the moon in 2016. I won't say that his performance was good or bad, but as soon as the credits ended, I simply forgot about it completely. It was fine. This whole movie was just fine.

Some things that tickled me:

Coco (Natalia Dyer) having the misfortune of stumbling across every body. This wasn't played for laughs at all but it honestly became pretty funny after the second occurrence. If this was just a slightly campier production, these moments would have midnight movie lovers cackling in their local arthouse theaters. If only...

John Malkovich always delights me when he plays some sort of artsy freak. It might genuinely be because he reminds me of my dad, but I think he brings a grounded and apathetic posture that really offsets the stereotype of a kooky artist. The last film I watched when I was sick was Opus (2025), also with Mr. Malkovich, but if I had to make a better recommendation, I would tell you to watch Art School Confidential (2006).

Actually, if you are interested in Velvet Buzzsaw at all, just go ahead and put on Art School Confidential instead. It's free on Tubi so there's no excuse. Terry Zwigoff directs a much snappier and more poignant take on the art world's greed for the next big thing. Sorry, Dan Gilroy.